Hightower Trail has many exciting events for children and parents who will join our school for the 2010-11 school year. Spread the word! More info to come later. Questions? Speak with your child's PreK Teacher or call the counseling office at Hightower Trail (770-388-0751, ext. 112)
Kinder Camp (FREE!)
July 12-15, 2010 (Mornings Only)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Parent to Child: "What Were You Thinking?!??"
We might be rich if we were paid 5 cents every time an adult said this to a child or teenager. This classic question often does not lead to the "Eureka!" we wish it would (sure does inspire a lot of "I don't know..."), so I am hoping to encourage a few parents who may read this.
Sometimes, young people do things that just don't make sense to us. We probably did it to our parents and our grandchildren will most likely do it to our children. "What were you thinking" or "Why did you do that?" are honest questions - we truly are baffled and want to understand, right? Alas, I find, that most children really don't know. Answering with a shoulder shrug or something like that can be a way of communicating they aren't ready to talk about it (or don't know HOW). Sometimes, we just don't get very far with that question and young people hear it as more of a judgement ("You are stupid") and less of a conversation starter.
So you might be thinking..."OK know-it-all counselor...then what DO I do?" Which is a fair question. As a school counselor, sometimes I talk with children in the midst of these conflicts with other adults and people ask me to try to help. I often wonder what goal or purpose their behavior had and sometimes they don't want to talk to me (I could easily be a spy for other grown ups who are mad at them, right?).
Here are some general tips. Full disclosure: every situation is different and there are few 'silver bullets' that can tackle every single problem. I'm happy to talk with you if you don't get anywhere with these so we can find something that will work.
1. Check yourself and take time to calm down. Kids are great watch dogs for our anger or nerves. Security walls of protection go up if they sense they are about to face a firing squad.
2. "I'm noticing...and I wonder..." Notice their body language. Make a comment about it and then think outloud about what feeling you think it shows (mad, glad, sad or scared are good starting places). Example: "I'm noticing that you are looking at the ground and I wonder if you are scared of getting in trouble." OR "I'm noticing that your back is facing me and I wonder if you are nervous about talking with me." The beauty of this statement is that it shows you are present with them, focusing on them and care about how they feel. It helps lower that "security wall" and sets the tone for a productive conversation.
3. Remind them of your love and protection. Those are 2 fundamental needs of people of all ages. Remind them you love them no matter what and are always focused on making sure they are safe. If they have made a bad choice for which they will be punished, then it is even more powerful to make yourself "The Protector" rather than "The Boss." Children tend to respect authority figures more when they see them as someone there to keep them and everyone else safe and healthy. Power struggles tend to increase when they see adults strictly as the "Law of the Land that shall not be disobeyed."
I was inspired to write this after listening to a great story on NPR about how the brain of a teenager is physically different than an adult - and has LOTS to do with why they make decisions that seem so illogical to adults.
Click here to go to their website to listen to or read about one parent's story.
Sometimes, young people do things that just don't make sense to us. We probably did it to our parents and our grandchildren will most likely do it to our children. "What were you thinking" or "Why did you do that?" are honest questions - we truly are baffled and want to understand, right? Alas, I find, that most children really don't know. Answering with a shoulder shrug or something like that can be a way of communicating they aren't ready to talk about it (or don't know HOW). Sometimes, we just don't get very far with that question and young people hear it as more of a judgement ("You are stupid") and less of a conversation starter.
So you might be thinking..."OK know-it-all counselor...then what DO I do?" Which is a fair question. As a school counselor, sometimes I talk with children in the midst of these conflicts with other adults and people ask me to try to help. I often wonder what goal or purpose their behavior had and sometimes they don't want to talk to me (I could easily be a spy for other grown ups who are mad at them, right?).
Here are some general tips. Full disclosure: every situation is different and there are few 'silver bullets' that can tackle every single problem. I'm happy to talk with you if you don't get anywhere with these so we can find something that will work.
1. Check yourself and take time to calm down. Kids are great watch dogs for our anger or nerves. Security walls of protection go up if they sense they are about to face a firing squad.
2. "I'm noticing...and I wonder..." Notice their body language. Make a comment about it and then think outloud about what feeling you think it shows (mad, glad, sad or scared are good starting places). Example: "I'm noticing that you are looking at the ground and I wonder if you are scared of getting in trouble." OR "I'm noticing that your back is facing me and I wonder if you are nervous about talking with me." The beauty of this statement is that it shows you are present with them, focusing on them and care about how they feel. It helps lower that "security wall" and sets the tone for a productive conversation.
3. Remind them of your love and protection. Those are 2 fundamental needs of people of all ages. Remind them you love them no matter what and are always focused on making sure they are safe. If they have made a bad choice for which they will be punished, then it is even more powerful to make yourself "The Protector" rather than "The Boss." Children tend to respect authority figures more when they see them as someone there to keep them and everyone else safe and healthy. Power struggles tend to increase when they see adults strictly as the "Law of the Land that shall not be disobeyed."
I was inspired to write this after listening to a great story on NPR about how the brain of a teenager is physically different than an adult - and has LOTS to do with why they make decisions that seem so illogical to adults.
Click here to go to their website to listen to or read about one parent's story.
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