Parent to Child: "What Were You Thinking?!??"

We might be rich if we were paid 5 cents every time an adult said this to a child or teenager. This classic question often does not lead to the "Eureka!" we wish it would (sure does inspire a lot of "I don't know..."), so I am hoping to encourage a few parents who may read this.

Sometimes, young people do things that just don't make sense to us. We probably did it to our parents and our grandchildren will most likely do it to our children. "What were you thinking" or "Why did you do that?" are honest questions - we truly are baffled and want to understand, right? Alas, I find, that most children really don't know. Answering with a shoulder shrug or something like that can be a way of communicating they aren't ready to talk about it (or don't know HOW). Sometimes, we just don't get very far with that question and young people hear it as more of a judgement ("You are stupid") and less of a conversation starter.

So you might be thinking..."OK know-it-all counselor...then what DO I do?" Which is a fair question. As a school counselor, sometimes I talk with children in the midst of these conflicts with other adults and people ask me to try to help. I often wonder what goal or purpose their behavior had and sometimes they don't want to talk to me (I could easily be a spy for other grown ups who are mad at them, right?).

Here are some general tips. Full disclosure: every situation is different and there are few 'silver bullets' that can tackle every single problem. I'm happy to talk with you if you don't get anywhere with these so we can find something that will work.

1. Check yourself and take time to calm down. Kids are great watch dogs for our anger or nerves. Security walls of protection go up if they sense they are about to face a firing squad.
2. "I'm noticing...and I wonder..." Notice their body language. Make a comment about it and then think outloud about what feeling you think it shows (mad, glad, sad or scared are good starting places). Example: "I'm noticing that you are looking at the ground and I wonder if you are scared of getting in trouble." OR "I'm noticing that your back is facing me and I wonder if you are nervous about talking with me." The beauty of this statement is that it shows you are present with them, focusing on them and care about how they feel. It helps lower that "security wall" and sets the tone for a productive conversation.
3. Remind them of your love and protection. Those are 2 fundamental needs of people of all ages. Remind them you love them no matter what and are always focused on making sure they are safe. If they have made a bad choice for which they will be punished, then it is even more powerful to make yourself "The Protector" rather than "The Boss." Children tend to respect authority figures more when they see them as someone there to keep them and everyone else safe and healthy. Power struggles tend to increase when they see adults strictly as the "Law of the Land that shall not be disobeyed."

I was inspired to write this after listening to a great story on NPR about how the brain of a teenager is physically different than an adult - and has LOTS to do with why they make decisions that seem so illogical to adults.

Click here to go to their website to listen to or read about one parent's story.

What do School Counselors do all day?

Some folks are surprised to learn elementary schools have a need for counselors. I also talk to MANY adults (and sometimes students) who barely remember their school counselor, if at all. The school counseling profession is going through an exciting transformation right now so that counselors are doing less administrative paperwork and are focused on developing school wide programs to benefit ALL students (rather than just a few). We are fortunate in Rockdale County to have the overwhelming support of Dr. King, The Board of Education and District Office in giving the counselor's role a much needed "face lift." I have also been extremely grateful for the support of our principal, Ms. Laura Bates as I develop a school counseling program that aligns with national standards of excellence. I admire her strong passion for students. She has been instrumental in making sure the HTE's school counseling program reaches all students and helps support their academic and personal success.


The Role of The School Counselor
by the American School Counselor Association

Professional school counselors are certified/licensed educators with a minimum of a master’s degree in school counseling making them uniquely qualified to address all students’ academic, personal/social and career development needs by designing, implementing, evaluating and enhancing a comprehensive school counseling program that promotes and enhances student success. Professional school counselors are employed in elementary, middle/junior high and high schools; in district supervisory positions; and counselor education positions.

Professional school counselors serve a vital role in maximizing student success (Lapan, Gysbers, & Kayson, 2007; Stone & Dahir, 2006). Through leadership, advocacy and collaboration, professional school counselors promote equity and access to rigorous educational experiences for all students. Professional school counselors support a safe learning environment and work to safeguard the human rights of all members of the school community (Sandhu, 2000), and address the needs of all students through culturally relevant prevention and intervention programs that are a part of a comprehensive school counseling program (Lee, 2001). The American School Counselor Association recommends a counselor-to-student ratio of 1:250.

For more information on how school counselors can help you and your children, visit the Parent section of www.schoolcounselor.org