Development Stages in a Child's Understanding of Death or Loss

by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW

Ages 3 to 6:
At this stage a child sees things as reversible and temporary. They may believe in "magical thinking" and that their thoughts can cause things to happen. This can work in either direction causing them to blame themselves unnecessarily or believe if they are "good" enough perhaps their parent will return. Often, children will exhibit nightmares, confusion, revert to an earlier stage of development or even seem to be unaffected by the death.

Ages 7 to 8:
Here a child will begin to see death as final. They may have lost an animal at this point but they usually don't think about it as happening to them. They see it more as something that may occur in an accident, like a car accident or only in old age. They may show an unusual interest in knowing the details surrounding death, begin asking what happens after death, or again act as if nothing has happened. Social development is occurring during this stage so they'll watch how others respond and may even want to know how they should act.

Ages 9 and up:
By now the child understands that death is final and irreversible. They not only know it could happen to someone else but also to themselves. They may exhibit a wide range of feelings including: shock, denial, anxiety and fear, anger, depression even withdrawal. Their reactions begin to be much more like an adult except they may act out their grief by behavioral changes at home or school.

Source: Karen Gannon Griffith, GSCA Fall Conference 2006