Helping Children Understand Divorce by Karen Gannon Griffith

HELPING CHILDREN UNDERSTAND DIVORCE

When parents decide to divorce, children need to know. The manner in which parents inform children of the divorce impacts the reaction of the children. It is important for parents to think carefully about how and what the children will be told. Divorce is an event which is traumatic to the children. It is worth the extra time and thought necessary to present it well to the children.



SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS IN DIVORCED FAMILIES

After a divorce, brothers and sisters may begin to interact differently. Some siblings become closer, while others may argue more and become emotionally distant. As parents become more focused on their own needs, the amount of attention given to the children may lessen. Some children respond by engaging in more conflict because they are competing for their parents’ attention. Other children engage in more conflict due to their own confusion and anger, venting those feelings on siblings. Still others turn to each other for emotional support.

Parents can help by:

• Talking with the children
• Listening to the children
• Spending time with each child individually

Remember that younger children are often better able to express their feelings. Be sure to talk with older siblings, even if they do not appear upset.


HOW TO TELL THE CHILDREN

When possible, the entire family should meet together so that both parents can answer children’s questions.
Set aside time to meet as a family.
Plan ahead of time what to tell the children.
Stay calm.
Plan to meet again.



WHAT TO TELL THE CHILDREN

• Do not give out too much information at once.
• Limit initial discussions to the most important and most immediate issues:
• Tell them their basic needs will be met – meals, help with homework, tucking them in at night
• Tell them their relationship with both parents will continue (if this is true).
• When there are going to be several changes, emphasize what will stay the same.
• Give reassurance with words and actions that parental love will continue even though there will be changes in family routine.
• Emphasize that the divorce is final – avoid giving false hopes of reconciliation.
• Emphasize that the divorce is not the fault of the children. The reassurance will need to be repeated over time.
• Ask the children about their fears and worries.
• Listen to the fears and worries of the children – really listen!
• Acknowledge the impact of the divorce on the children’s lives.