Children's Understanding of Divorce by Karen Gannon Griffith

Preschoolers and Early Elementary
Understandings
+ Preschoolers recognize that one parent no longer lives at home
+ Elementary school children begin to understand that divorce means their parents will no longer be married and live together, and that their parents no longer love each other

Feelings
+ Will likely blame themselves for the divorce
+ May worry about the changes in their daily lives
+ Have more nightmares
+ May exhibit signs of sadness and grieving because of the absence of one parent
+ Preschoolers may be aggressive and angry toward the parent they “blame”
+ Because preschoolers struggle with the difference between fantasy and reality, children may have rich fantasies about parents getting back together

What Parents Can Do
+ Repeatedly tell children that they are not responsible for the divorce
+ Reassure children of how their needs will be met and of who will take care of them
+ Talk with children about their thoughts and feelings; be sensitive to children’s fears
+ Plan a schedule for time for children to spend with their other parent. Be supportive of children’s ongoing relations with the other parent.
+ Read books together about children and divorce
+ Gently, and matter-of-factly, remind children that the divorce is final and that parents will not get back together again.


Preteens & Adolescents

Understandings
~ Understand what divorce means but may have difficulty accepting the reality of the changes it brings to the family
~ Although thinking at a more complex level, still may blame themselves for the divorce

Feelings
~ May feel abandoned by the parent who moves out of the house
~ May withdraw from long-time friends and favorite activities.
~ May act out in uncharacteristic ways
~ May feel angry and unsure about their own beliefs concerning love, marriage, and family
~ May experience a sense of growing up too soon
~ May start to worry about “adult matters,” such as the family’s financial security
~ May feel obligated to take on more adult responsibilities in the family

What Parents Can Do

~ Maintain open lines of communication with children; reassure children of your love and continued involvement in their lives
~ Whenever possible, both parents need to stay involved in children’s lives, know children’s friends, what they do together, and keep up with children’s progress at school and in other activities
~ Honor family rituals and routines
~ If you need to increase children’s household responsibilities, assign chores and tasks that are age-appropriate; show appreciation for children’s contributions
~ Avoid using teenage children as confidants; plan special time for yourself with adult friends and family members
~ Tell children who will be attending special occasions, especially if you plan to take a new romantic partner